Michael wrote back & said he was not offended & explained some of his reasons behind his choices. A critique can help the critiqued, but can also help the writer of the critique & anyone else who reads it. Sherrie Miranda’s historically based, coming of age, Adventure novel “Secrets & Lies in El Salvador” is about an American girl in war-torn El Salvador: http://tinyurl.com/klxbt4y Her husband made a video for her novel. He wrote the song too: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P11Ch5chkAc
Michael, The idea for this story is fascinating, but you have a style of storytelling that may put most agents and publishers off.
I must be honest & say I have never read anything like this. I was very confused about the time and place. First I thought it was the 1800s, then early 1900s, then I saw Pope Francis mentioned and realized it was the present day. The language reminded me of Science Fiction which I personally am not a fan of (though my husband loves it). Are you fluent in another language? Because there were things that I have never seen done before in writing. You often leave out “the,” “her,” “to” and “a.” Is this a stylistic choice? Have you had any study in the “Tell vs. Show” that is so commonly taught in today’s literature/writing courses? “Indescribably excited” would be much better shown than told. For example, you might SHOW them jumping up & down, as well as other physical ways to show how the girls feel. I was confused by the phrase “physically divided age group.” “Peer group” is a much more common phrase used in modern day English. I also found the phrase “following application of own embrace.” Did you simply mean “Hugged”? The simpler the language, the better IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR A PUBLISHER. The women from the literature discussed were totally unknown to me. But I must be honest: despite my 62 years, I am a totally contemporary woman. I seriously suggest finding a critique group. If you can’t find one near you, find one online. As writers, we need feedback from several people. Then we can consider what they say and decide if we will heed any of their advice. Or decide “screw them,” I’m going to continue doing this my way. How many drafts have you written? Joyce Carol Oates, the most prolific contemporary American writer, says she writes seven drafts. Something to consider. I wish I could be of more help to you, but I read and write in a very straightforward and modern style. I don’t think I can do you justice critiquing your work.